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Okay, I found it pretty hard figuring out what the title of this post should be. (So, if you find out later, please let me know *wink*)

For starters, how many black ladies/girls do you know whose first name is Michelle? Just asking, because Michelle Obama’s probably the only one I have met know. Na so so white-white, yellow-yellow people dey bear the name o! I have a really cool friend who goes by that name and guess what? Oh, you don’t need to! She’s fair very fair in complexion. In fact, buddies back in the university coined several nicknames to torment her – Mi-shung, Mi-shel-lia, Tshing-tshung, etc. She actually looks like she’s from China or maybe Japan… So, why narrate this entire story?

I was in church a few weeks ago and towards the end of the service, there was going to be child dedication. Immediately the pastor mentioned the baby’s name (Michelle), I just thought, “That baby must be light in complexion. Let’s see!” I was not particularly close to the front so I couldn’t confirm. Long story short – at the close of service, as I made my way out of the door, there was the baby, wrapped in swaddling clothes, in her mama’s hands. Michelle na oyinbo o! Yes, she had a light complexion! Plus, I don’t think I know any Yoruba whose first name is Michelle; they’re mostly Igbo…

Come to think of it, imagine if the dedication had been before the sermon, maybe I wouldn’t have listened much, but been thinking about the baby and her likely complexion. But that’s a minor case compared to other likely sources of distraction during a church service. Let’s try paint some more pictures.

If you attend a church where the seats are not big enough for large angles of tilt/gyration during the Praise session, imagine how confined you are likely to feel. It would be worse if the person sitting next to you is twice the size of the seat… If you are like me, you would probably restrict yourself to the signature ‘gentleman’ dance – two pushes to the left, then two to the right; or, a push to the right, then a push to the left. You can’t shout jo! If the beat is highlife or woro, you clap and distribute your movement to rhyme with the other fellas near you. Occasionally, if your neighbour is so into the song/worship, especially ‘those ladies’, you have to automatically adjust your movement and timing to fall in sync with them in order to avoid ‘brutal’ clashes. To make matters worse, sometimes you may not be so lucky when it’s time to lift up ‘holy hands’! Your neighbour might as well lift up ‘holy hands’, only to ‘bless’ you with some conc whiff from their unkempt armpit. I still don’t know why some people don’t shave their armpit regularly or even use roll-on, some deodorant, and even some perfume, body spray or cologne! If you are still very much unlucky, the smell is that of one who has come to church without a (decent) bath. All of a sudden, you just start wondering whether you are in one of those Lagos danfos (commercial mini-buses) where the ‘fish people’ and the motley passengers will often daze you! Enough said… Next!

Sometimes, I wonder if people can actually hear and differentiate between what is good music and what is not. There’s a church not too far from my house. Their public address system is so loud that, from over 200 metres away, their noise is delivered live and direct into my room, many annoying decibels above legal. I get annoyed when I hear the praise leaders singing on one key whereas the instrumentalists, especially the keyboardist, are playing and accompanying on a totally different key! Arrgh!!! Only God can save me if I’m in such a church service. That’d be veritable tool in the hands of the devil o! Then, one more thing, these days I feel so exhausted after only 30 minutes of dancing in Church. Thing is: I love music and I connect with the lyrics of the songs, but lately, I have just observed my subconscious telling me, as if set to a particular programmed action, “Is it not enough?”. I don’t check the time because my phone is usually switched off and I don’t have a wristwatch, but I just can’t wait to listen to the sermon! I seem to be so comfortable with sitting to engage in some listening as opposed to breaking a sweat and increasing my heartbeat. Well, without further ranting, I think this is largely a fitness issue. Lagos is really stressful place. Period!

Now imagine if you had all of the distractions mentioned above and much more during a single church service. Mehn, I will just go see Pastor for counseling ni!

-GN!

Photo credit: www.godwillbegod.com

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