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So Valentine’s Day has come and gone and I’m wondering what different people’s tales would be. Here in Nigeria, the day after was a public holiday so, for those workers who could not do much after the busy Monday at work, especially those in traffic-cursed Lagos, it was a well-timed one. Good for them! (Maybe?)

While some people just don’t ‘dig’ the idea of having a special day to celebrate love, others would die for it. Some people just did not have that special person to celebrate the occasion with, in grand style, or whatever style, whether they ‘dig’ the Val idea or not. A quick confession: yours truly belongs to this sub-class, and it’s a personal, conscious decision. Ahn? And don’t worry, maybe I’ll feature big time in the next season of this un-ending romance series… Okay, so when you are indoors, just by yourself on the evening and night of February 14, it is only logical that you come up with different ploys to make you feel justified. So I thought, why not just make a joke out of all this. Then, I decided to tidy up a scenario I had thought about almost a year prior to that night. Here goes:

So, there’s this dude, Kamal, a student of the Lagos State University, Ikorodu Campus, who has been speaking on phone with this particular girl, Funbi, from the University of Lagos, Akoka Campus, for two months, but they have never met before in the physical. The dude’s roommate, Kolapo, had been talking with his girlfriend, Francesca, who happens to have a roommate who would like hook-up with the mystery guy who always chuckled in the background. That love-thirsty girl is Funbi. MTN has blessed their impending union with the free midnight calls and, thankfully, Funbi’s got a really nice voice. So Funbi is now fully ‘connected’ to Kamal. Sweet thing, you would say.

Two weeks before St. Valentine’s Day, he decides to meet his angel-with-the-sweetest-voice-in-the-world! He is not prepared for the big surprise. As he enters the highbrow restaurant, he dials the ‘magic’ numbers on his Bold 2. “You are the treasure that I see…” comes the beautiful MTN Caller Tune. She picks the call and tells him she’s five minutes away from the restaurant. “I’m the guy in the red T-shirt and blue jeans and spectacles…” Kamal says.

“Okay… we are close to the place…”

“We? …who’s coming with you?”

“Sweetie, don’t worry, it’s my friend. I’m sure you’ll be happy to meet her…”

“Okay o… I’ll be waiting.”

Kolapo bites his lips. “These UNILAG babes sha! Now I have to care of the two of them. Anyway, the quality of treatment will just suffer 50% damage ni jare…” he reasons.

Just then two figures loom in front of him and he snaps out of his thoughts.

Two ladies, one extra-large, the other super-slim, appear before him.

The big lady gives a big smile, “Kamal…?”

“Aaaww! ”Kamal’s jaw drops as he tries to gain composure. Maybe she’s not the fat one?

She engulfs him in a big embrace. “Kamal, this is Pepeye, my cousin. She really wanted to meet you o!”

“Hello! I’m so plixt to finally met you”, Pepeye says with a fake accent.

Hmmn. Kamal eventually takes his seat. Perhaps, that was why Funbi had only one picture on Facebook and, even in that one, only her face is visible and she must have taken that picture back in her high school days. He thinks Funbi is too big for his liking and even Pepeye, the slim and shapely cousin is a sad story of terrible accent, loud munching, unbridled tongue. Funbi just giggles and does all the talking! Aside the fact that most of his accessories are borrowed stuff, Kamal has to recoup his hard-earned final year project money spent on this time out. Gosh!!! And he has to put up with Pepeye’s constant ogling and blushing for another two hours. What a day!

-GN!

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